Yesterday in Church our Pastor gave a children’s message focused on gratitude. After asking the children what they were grateful for, she passed around a clipboard asking each of us to share something we were grateful for. I wrote down “meaningful work”, which I am grateful for every day.
Since yesterday as I thought about all the stress in the world these days, I have reminded myself how really grateful I am for good laughs – something we have always had around our family’s Thanksgiving table over the decades. So this week I thought I’d share 15 humorous items that made me laugh – I hope you find a few to lighten-up your Thanksgiving Day.
- Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? – Kenny Rogerson
- I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me, so I’m bringing a wireless router. – Thanksgiving Tweeter – Simon Holland
- Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
- OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY. – Steve Martin
- I discovered that the good news is that if you have a mental breakdown on your flight, you can spend the holiday in a holding cell as opposed to the torture chamber that is your childhood home. – An airline traveler
- Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out. – Nicole Hollander
- You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one, wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” – Dylan Brody
- I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart
- I’m really enjoying the Thanksgiving break with my kids. Oh, wait. Never mind. They’re awake now. – Thanksgiving Tweeter – Sarcastic Mommy
- If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. – The late, great Mitch Hedberg
- This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate. – Andre Kelley
- Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. – Stephen Colbert
- The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. “Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?” “But we do that every day!” “Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” – Jim Gaffigan
- My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller
- David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs You had a Bad Thanksgiving (Only 7 Published Here)
- You ran out of booze by 11 a.m.
- Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich
- Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving
- Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb
- Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop
- Woke up from tryptophan-induced sleep to find yourself naked in the driveway
- The ‘turkey’ was wearing a dog collar
I hope you all have a Happy, Grateful, and Humorous Thanksgiving!