Brené Brown – Fast Company Photo
Last week I talked with a leader who was going through a very difficult situation and knew she/he contributed substantially to the problem. Today I know some of you reading this are going through a similar difficult situation – one where you know you messed-up and should have done something differently and it is affecting other people, perhaps even people who look up to you on your team. I can tell you personally this has happened to me many times and every leader I know has been through the same situation.
What we know is strong leaders have the courage to understand they are imperfect and take time to first look in the mirror and explore what they did wrong and why.
In a recent interview for Fast Company, author and researcher Brené Brown talked about how leaders can only emerge stronger and better equipped when they embrace what they did wrong. And to really understand “why” they did something wrong they must learn to be vulnerable, which is not easy.
I must admit before this article I had never heard of Brown. Now, after reading about her, I realize I am in the minority – she is everywhere. If you are a follower you know that Brown says what we humans really want out of life is “connection.” And when we do something wrong, we fear that the result will be “disconnection” from one or more people.
Since we fear disconnection, one emotion that gets in the way of real growth during and after a difficult situation is shame. And when we feel shame, we behave in ways that ultimately damage our connections. I think these behaviors might include blaming others, quitting or running away, or just trying to ignore the real issue. As we can imagine the result from all these behaviors is disconnection, which goes against what we crave to begin with. Interesting.
On the topic of blaming, I was intrigued with Brown’s description – Blaming is what we do to discharge pain and discomfort. As you can watch in this cute, short animated video blaming is a technique some of us use as we try to remain invulnerable. So next time you find yourself blaming someone else, explore why you are blaming. That exploration might lead you to some of your own weaknesses you can work on.
In the article we learned that while Brown was speaking at Pixar something happened that acted as an epiphany for her. Ed Catmull of Pixar talked about how the really hard part of creating animated stories happens about mid-way through the creative process when the writers must create a difficult situation for the main character – a situation that allows the creators to communicate a lesson. Brown’s epiphany was this – people cannot skip the second act. She said, “People don’t recount the middle of the story very often because it has the most potential for shame. But it is where everything important happens.”
The second act for leaders is that time when you are messing-up. It is a time after you have become a leader when stuff happens, challenges arise, and your leadership fails and you get knocked-down.
Brown has many suggestions in her new book, Rising Strong, on how to go through these situations. Here are three suggestions Brown has for leaders, who have gone through one of these times.
- Examine closely your emotions and actions during the difficult period. (“The Reckoning”) Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for input from people you trust and even followers.
- Confront the personal challenges holding you back. (“The Rumble”) This is when you study the “why” behind your actions so you can be prepared the next time something happens.
- Write an ending to the story where you write down how you will act in the future when these challenges arise again (“The Revolution”).
As toy leader Woody experienced in the movie Toy Story, if you recognize what you did wrong and stay focused on the good in yourself, you will have redemption in the end.
